My favorite Jordan story is about his gift giving tendencies. Jordan loved to give gifts, for no reason at all. But his idea of appropriate gifts was occasionally rather strange. For Valentine's Day, he, looking like the cat who got the canary, gave me a Hot Topic Nightmare Before Christmas bag. I thanked him, thinking that that was really odd, but sweet that he made the effort. Then I noticed that he was still giving me that shit eating grin. "Nooo! Look inside!" Well, inside it was quite possibly the most appropriate Valentine's Day gift ever - The Key to Hell from The Sandman. I fell in love with him all over again at that. Many men give their girls flowers, chocolates and jewelry... How many take the time to know her well enough to get the one prop that she's been coveting for years?

Jordan was just like that. He was the sweetest, most thoughtful man I've ever met. And it wasn't contrived or worked at. That was just *him*. He knew what to say to make you feel better. He knew how to make anyone laugh at the drop of a hat.

Even after I broke up with him, he made an amazing effort to be friendly to me while I was being a confused idiot. We became closer and closer again in the months leading up to Celebration III. He was helping me plan my armor, and just generally being a great friend. We met up at CIII Saturday evening, and after seeing the worst movie on the face of this earth (Sahara) we went to a restaurant and sat talking for hours. It felt like coming home. Talking to Jordan and catching up with everything that had happened in the past few months was amazing. At the end of the evening, he walked me home (in freezing weather, him without a coat) and we kissed. I thought that it was the first for this new chapter. It turned out to be the last. After CIII we were back to calling every night and constantly IMing as if the past 8 months had never happened, both of us signing off with 'Love, Jordan' or ending the call with 'nightiloveyou'. While I wasn't sure if he would take me back, I began to let myself hope that everything would be okay again and my stupid decision in August would be in the past.

When I got the call May 17th, I was watching Episode 1 and getting stuff together for work the next day. I knew when my mom called me down saying that Jordan's father was on the phone something was wrong. I ran down the steps saying pleaselethimbeokay pleaselethimbeokay. When he said "Emily, Jordan was in an automobile accident and he didn't make it." my entire world fell apart. I collapsed in the middle of the kitchen and had my parents not been there with me, I honestly don't think I would have been able to pick myself back up.

So now I'm trying to make a new future for myself that doesn't include him, and it's really hard, but I'm beginning to see the light at the end of the tunnel. I do feel like he's there, somewhere, with me, probably making snarky comments about slash or my tendency to go ::thud:: at pretty blonde boys. Somehow that's comforting to me, thinking that wherever he is, he's still Jordan. I don't like the idea of perfect, harp and wings angels. It makes more sense for Jordan to be sitting up in the afterlife, having a Guinness and MSTing us. It's silly, but it's comforting.

Apparently I've rediscovered faith? And I'm still a heathen.

P.S. Yes, I can see you facepalming up there, Sweetie. You knew that I was incorrigible when you met me.

RotS Review (Belated, but so was my viewing of the movie)

I never posted about seeing RotS, and I fear I'm in danger of losing my fandom license if I don't. So here goes nothing...

I loved the movie. It was everthing that I wanted it to be. It also disturbed and upset me on several levels that I wasn't aware of in the first viewing. During the first showing, I was mentally and emotionally drained. Most of my reaction consisted of 'Ooh, pretty!' 'Yay, lightsabers!' and 'how the fuck did R2 have that much oil in him to begin with?'.

Now that I've seen it another two times, there are a couple things that really bother me.


First of all, I apologize for this. It really has very little to do with the movie itself, and everything to do with my own mental state. I loved RotS and will continue to love it. The same way that I love AotC despite Padme's idiocy and denial.

Padme gave up. She just gave up. I can't put into words how much this upsets me. She had two babies to nurture and an evil empire to fight, but she was so weak willed that she didn't even bother fighting for her ideals? If her daughter had followed in her footsteps, the rebels would still be hiding in the outer rim, cowering beneath the grasp of the Empire. Padme reminds me of the woman who sticks with her abusive significant other because she doesn't think that there's anything better, doesn't believe that SHE is anything better. Is this the role model we want in front of young girls? I've made that comment before, when Padme completely ignored Anakin's homicidal tendencies and sat there like a vaguely sympathetic lump. It still holds true. There was something deeply flawed about their relationship, about Anakin, from the beginning. Padme should have at least tried to get him the help that he so desperately needed. The girl is a little idiot.

Padme was set up to be a strong, opinionated, willful, idealist character. She failed. She had so much to live for and she couldn't find it in herself to stick around? I think I can understand grieving. It hurts. It hurts like fucking hell. I feel like every day I walk around with a weight on my chest. Everything reminds me of him. Everything makes me want to just sit down and give up. But am I going to? HELL NO. I have so much to live for, so much to fight for, and while there's this hole in my heart that I feel like all of my will is draining out through, I know that I'll get through this. Everyone goes through loss. It's conquerable. Padme has spent nearly all of her life in politics and then fighting for what she believed in, and she couldn't bear to stick around a little longer and if nothing else, try to sway the man she loved back to the good that she knew was in there? I call bullshit. George Lucas really needs to learn what to do with women.

That being said, I loved everything else. Palpatine is still my favorite character. He's so dreadfully campy and evil and wonderful. He knows he's got everything under control and that he's the puppet master. His seduction of Anakin makes me squee. And chucking senate pods around? Loved it!

Obi-Wan was the best character in the movie. I felt so bad for him when everything that he had worked so hard to preserve and nurture was falling apart. His anguished cry of "You were supposed to defeat the Sith, not join them! Bring balance to the Force, not leave it in darkness!" made me gasp.

Order 66 and the ending duel between Anakin and Obi-Wan are tied as my favorite sequences. I'm not the biggest fan of the jedi being caught off-guard. I do think they should have at least gotten the chance to fight a little bit before being overwhelmed by sheer numbers, but it's such a sad scene that it doesn't jump out at me until after the movie is over.

Loved Obi-Wan taking on Grievous. Yay, lightsabers and lots of them! < / fanboy >

Not the best summary, but hey, since when do I post in-depth reviews?